What happened to February??

When did it become the second week in March?!? No idea where February went. Actually I do...I was trying to balance work and being a mom. It's not going well. I had to stay home from work today, so I'm taking a moment while Alessia naps to catch up on my thoughts and (hopefully) commenting on the long list of posts in my reader. (I can read them at work, but can't comment. I'm still here though!)

Ugh. Today I was thinking about how completely naive I was about motherhood and working moms before I became one. Yes, I was guilty of being that "non-mom" that couldn't understand what my working mom coworkers and friends were talking about when they said they didn't have time to do anything. Or why they couldn't get their act together at work and come up with their own plans. Man, I was an ignorant bitch, even if I never voiced my opinions and just kept them to myself. Being a working mom SUCKS. Don't get me wrong, being a SAHM is hard work and exhausting in its own right. But I would give anything to be able to stay at home with my baby. It's a completely different type of exhaustion trying to balance work and mommyhood, and I feel like one of them always suffers. And for me, it's definitely work that's suffering. I hate it. I used to love teaching. I was a workaholic, staying late everyday. Now I dread going in. I'm beyond exhausted and after 6 months of this craziness, it's taking its toll on me. I have no time to do anything, unless I take time away from being with my daughter. That's not an option for me. I love being a mom. I love playing with her, sitting and reading books with her and just holding her. I don't want to miss this time to type lesson plans or grade papers.
Can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but I spend an average of 10-12 hours a week in the car commuting to and from work and picking up Alessia from my mom's. That's if there isn't ridiculous traffic on the highway (it once took me 3 hours to get home with a screaming infant. Had to stop on the side of the highway 3 times. It was horrible!) I can't take it anymore. On top of that consuming a ridiculous amount of time, since I'm still breastfeeding, I have to pump in the morning before going to work, then again during my prep at work (the only time I have to get things done, or rather don't have), and then take the time after she goes to sleep to wash all the freakin parts. I can't express to you how much I despise my pump. I would love to smash it to pieces when I'm done with it - just like the guys in Office Space and the copy machine.
For anyone that knows anything about breastfeeding and pumping, you know that you should ideally pump every 3 hours: typically 3 times during a work day. My schedule only allows for one time. So what has that done for me? After 6 months of not pumping enough (and not drinking enough and probably losing too much weight), I can barely get enough milk for Alessia's two bottles while she's at my mom's. That brings us to today. Flipped out this morning when I was barely getting anything after 15 min. Alessia doesn't drink formula and we haven't started cow's milk yet (she just turned 10 months a week ago), so I have no backup. I couldn't send her to my mom's with no milk, so I took a family sick day to stay home and be able to feed her. Is that ridiculous or what? I have some cooworkers that poke fun at the fact that I'm still pumping, and it pisses me off. They have no idea how hard it is. I can't do this with the next baby. I have to stay home at least a year so I don't have to pump. But that's a whole other long post. Ugh. I hate living in a country that makes it so difficult to be a SAHM (at least living in this area). or even give us a long enough maternity leave. *sigh* How do other moms do it?

where do I begin?

I've been away from my computer for so long, I don't even know where to begin with this post. So much has been going on, and although I mentally "write" my posts daily on my long drive home, by the time I actually get home, I don't have any time to sit at the computer and blog. (Let's not even mention the fact that I should be sitting at the computer and doing real work such as lesson plans and grades - which I am procrastinating now on this lovely snow day) But there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. If you recall, when I went back to work I complained about having an extra course to teach to cover for a maternity leave. Well the teacher is finally coming back next week, so I go back to my normal workload of 5 classes. One extra class actually makes a big difference - in addition to having another 28 kids to keep track of, it's 28 more papers to grade, etc and one less period to do it in (although I'm not getting another "free" period - I'll have another hall duty, but I can get work done at that time). So although I'll greatly miss the extra pay (1/6 of my base salary), I'm looking forward to a little less work. I was beginning to lose my mind a bit.

In Alessia news, my baby is 9 months old today!! Happy birthday pupa! She's on the move now, crawling like a champ and climbing and walking along the furniture. The little daredevil likes to let go now and then as well. Sometimes it's like she has a hot pepper in her butt though. She won't stay still! Not a problem, until it's time for latte. Let's just say she's getting creative in her nursing positions:

Speaking of breastfeeding, as the time continues to fly by and we get closer to the 1-year mark, I have been thinking about weaning her. I never thought I would make it this far (especially with having to pump at work), and although some of my friends say they give me a lot of credit for continuing, I say I'm just a big baby when it comes to weaning. I can't bring myself to do it. So although I may say we'll stop at a year, I'm sure I'll still be breastfeeding her at least at night for as long as she wants. The plan now is to slowly start her on milk at a year during the day so I can finally end my relationship with the pump and the book closet.

Yes, this is where I spend 15 minutes a day so my angel can have her precious latte. Isn't it beautiful? The best is when I come out and there are a group of kids at the table. They look at me like "what the hell were you doing in the closet?" And the story is..."oh she's organizing the closet." It must be really messy for me to be in there every day all year! What a shame we have to concoct stories to hide what we're doing, like it's disgusting or inappropriate. And what a shame that in a work environment where all 3 administrators are women, they can't find/set aside a comfortable, clean, and private place for us working moms to pump. Oh well. At least it's not in a bathroom stall. And I get 15 min a day to actually sit and read. I've been working on The Omnivore's Dilemma since October, but finally getting close to finishing it! (More on that book later)

I know this is a loooong post, but just one more thing, then I'm off to try to accomplish some real work. Why are some women (especially fellow moms) so judgemental? I've been getting some annoying feedback, criticism, etc. about my parenting methods and attempts to be green. Why can't people just let me be? I'm not saying anything about what they do in there own lives. But why can't they just honor my wishes, especially when it comes to my baby and what toys, food, etc I expose her to? Apparently I'm a wack job and a difficult mom. Whatever. At least I'm not the only one! I'm sure I'll be back to gripe about this topic some more later. For now I'm off to grade some quizes.

Rambling Monday

Lots of random things to say today...
Friday hubby and I went to our friend's salon/spa to get our hair cut and my brows waxed so we would be beautiful for the christening. She is learning to cut hair, so we get free haircuts for as long as we agree to be her guinea pigs. I didn't have anyone to watch Alessia, so I brought her along and a bottle so I could feed her while we were there. Mark went first and Alessia was so crabby from the car ride, I couldn't get her to stop crying or eat. After maybe 2 minutes, my friend came over and said "she has to be quiet". Just like that. I got so pissed off I took her outside and stayed there until Mark was done. It's not like she's a toddler who was running around screaming. She's a BABY!! And was pissed me off more was the fact that here she is, my friend, and she couldn't find a nicer way to say it? So then I refused my hair cut and just got the bushy brows done. I didn't want to be there any longer than necessary - she takes forever to cut hair. How freakin rude. Mother's have to go out in public with their babies sometimes, and babies are not always perfect. Have some compassion! I'm still pissed about it...it's the Sicilian blood in me...can't let anything go.

Yesterday was Alessia's christening. It was a beautiful ceremony - we were the only family, and a great, big, family party afterward. But it was a crazy day for my little pupa! She was really really good, considering she was in a huge dress and being passed around a lot and had flash going off in her face all day long. My father-in-law was the photographer and took about 1000 pics (not an exaggeration). I'm waiting for the CD of pics so that I can post some. I felt so bad for Alessia after each round of photos, because like a true photographer, my FIL took at least 5 - 10 shots of each picture. She was exhausted by the end of the party. Today we're both just lounging in our pjs and taking it easy. Not everything was perfect though...I think we got ripped off by the restaurant. I hate dealing with this crap (remember phone anxiety? It extends to dealing with this stuff in person too) but my hubby put this party all in my hands. When I settled the bill at the end, I made sure to check how many bottles of wine they charged us for. Well, I had a splitting headache from the little kids running around and screaming for the past 4 hours, that I couldn't do the math in my head (or maybe just really didn't care to?) - 12 carafes of wine at $22.50 each does not equal $401. I couldn't understand why they had totaled the number of soda pitchers and just assumed I was paying for wine, since that was the only cost discussed when we planned the menu. Well, when we got home and I explained it to the hubby, he flipped out. I never agreed to paying for soda (did I?) and especially not at $11 per pitcher. I mean I could get a pitcher of beer for less than that! So I'm supposed to call them up and yell to get money back or something. Yea right. The hubby's going to have to do that...Mrs. Chicken Sh*t isn't up to it.

As an update to my "to pump or not to pump" post, Mrs. Chicken Sh*t actually got on the phone to call my principal about my schedule. It was seriously a 30 sec. conversation. I asked if I could have my prep in the middle of the day so I could pump and she said she'd pass that info onto the asst. principal who creates the schedule. It sounded like it wouldn't be a prob. so I'm happy. No formula for Alessia!

So I'm completely delusional when it comes to what I think I can do. Like when I watch So you think you can dance, I'm totally like "I could do that!" I used to do musicals in HS and we always did tap shows and I got to dance in the front (or close to it) I was pretty good, if I may say so myself. So in my head, I could compete with professional dancers. I could handle all those Mia Michaels, Tabitha and Napoleone, and Jeanmarc and Franz (sp??) routines! Bring it on!! No training you say?? I took a few months of ballet, tap and jazz when I was 6! I took 2 hip hop classes once in college! i even took belly dancing lessons from this creepy guy in college once that wanted to open a hooka bar and have belly dancing waitresses! And don't forget all the ballroom lessons I took for a year before we got married! I could totally win that competition. Move over Katee, Courtney, Twitch and Joshua! Today, as I'm lounging on the couch with my laptop and watching the Olympics (in my pjs still at noon), my delusions continue. Men's badminton is on. I didn't even know they had that in the olympics. I rock at badminton!! I could totally be an olympian! I used to kick butt in HS when we played in gym, and still do! I don't mean to disrespect these athletes, but badminton? Is anyone else watching this? I just can't take these guys seriously. But I could totally do it - just give me that gold metal right now. I'll put it next to my big fat check from winning So you think you can dance.

To pump or not to pump

I have to go back to work in about 2 weeks and I'm freaking out. My mom's going to watch Alessia, so at least I don't really have to worry about daycare. I just don't know what I'm going to do about feeding her. I've been exclusively breastfeeding her this whole time - she's only had maybe 5 bottles of formula her whole life (we had some difficulty in the beginning), and am having a hard time figuring out if I want to give it up. I find this so ironic because even when I was pregnant with her, I never thought I would breastfeed. Then when I did decide to do it, I figured I would do it until the end of the summer and supplement with formula. Now I just don't want to give her formula at all. I have no problem with formula or other moms using it. For some reason I'm just having an adverse reaction to having to use it myself. My plan was to pump in the morning before going to work and sending her with at least that milk at my mom's and then nurse her in the evenings. But now I'm thinking I want to pump during the day so she doesn't have any formula at all.
I teach middle school, and if there are any teachers out there you know how difficult it is to find spare time and privacy. And to add to it, I was given an overload this year because they couldn't find another teacher. So I'm looking at my schedule and realize that I could have time to pump once in the middle of the day, but I have to ask my principal to schedule that period as my prep instead of a hall duty. No big deal, right? Except that I'm a big chicken. I have crazy phone anxiety and can't even bring myself to call her. Instead, I just sit here and worry she'll say no when I do finally ask, and then what do I do? I brought this up at my moms group this morning at Postpartum Place, and they were just like "don't ask, demand it!" They're much braver than I am! Well, it's too late to call her today, so I guess I'll have to try tomorrow. Wish me luck!

The lost art of breastfeeding

So I just started watching Bringing Home Baby on TLC, and there something I keep seeing/hearing...moms having a lot of difficulty with breastfeeding when they come home from the hospital and switching to formula. I hear the same thing from a couple of my friends who have recently had a baby. Somewhere along the line, we got the idea that breastfeeding is this innate, natural thing that we can all do and that it should be easy and painless. I think it's the complete opposite. You learn to breastfeed, and it's uncomfortable, and usually a little painful in the beginning. I think in the US, our problem is most of us never had a "teacher". We're not very open in this country when it comes to feeding our children. Breasts are mostly seen as sexual objects, so when we nurse our children in public, we are encouraged to cover up or go hide somewhere to "do the deed". So no wonder so many of us have no clue what to do and have problems having our babies latch on. And then to make matters worse, we feel guilty if we can't do it. The hospitals don't always help...I feel they push formula on us - just look at the "freebies" you get: all formula themed. Thank God for lactation consultants and La Leche League - what would we do without them? How many of us have actually seen someone breastfeed prior to becoming mothers ourselves - without their child and breast hidden under a blanket or shawl? Still, so many new moms have no idea where to turn to for help.

I'll admit, prior to having Alessia, I didn't give much thought to breastfeeding. I wasn't even sure if I would do it. But I figured "how hard could it be?" I was surprised when my doctor's office wanted to sign me up for a breastfeeding class. I went mostly out of curiousity, and thank God I did! I met Maria from Postpartum Place, and more important than learning positions I learned where I could get help. When in the hospital, I requested help from the lactation "specialists", but found they weren't really helpful - they just positioned her for me and I had no clue what to do on my own. When it was time to go home we had so much difficulty that I freaked out and called PPP the next day to set up a consult. They were a life-saver for weeks to come (their number is saved in all my phones) The best part: they have support groups for moms that meet weekly. Alessia and I make the 45 minute trek each week to meet with the group. It's so great to hear other moms going through the same struggles and surviving. As our children get older, topics change, so it continues to be helpful. It's an opportunity for each of us to share what's going on with our baby and ourselves and provide support for each other. I'll miss it when I go back to work!


On a side note, August is World Breastfeeding Awareness Month and Aug 1-7 is World Breastfeeding Awareness Week. Check out http://www.breastfeedingtaskforla.org/bfweek2008.htm for more info.