Monday, March 9, 2009

What happened to February??

When did it become the second week in March?!? No idea where February went. Actually I do...I was trying to balance work and being a mom. It's not going well. I had to stay home from work today, so I'm taking a moment while Alessia naps to catch up on my thoughts and (hopefully) commenting on the long list of posts in my reader. (I can read them at work, but can't comment. I'm still here though!)

Ugh. Today I was thinking about how completely naive I was about motherhood and working moms before I became one. Yes, I was guilty of being that "non-mom" that couldn't understand what my working mom coworkers and friends were talking about when they said they didn't have time to do anything. Or why they couldn't get their act together at work and come up with their own plans. Man, I was an ignorant bitch, even if I never voiced my opinions and just kept them to myself. Being a working mom SUCKS. Don't get me wrong, being a SAHM is hard work and exhausting in its own right. But I would give anything to be able to stay at home with my baby. It's a completely different type of exhaustion trying to balance work and mommyhood, and I feel like one of them always suffers. And for me, it's definitely work that's suffering. I hate it. I used to love teaching. I was a workaholic, staying late everyday. Now I dread going in. I'm beyond exhausted and after 6 months of this craziness, it's taking its toll on me. I have no time to do anything, unless I take time away from being with my daughter. That's not an option for me. I love being a mom. I love playing with her, sitting and reading books with her and just holding her. I don't want to miss this time to type lesson plans or grade papers.
Can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but I spend an average of 10-12 hours a week in the car commuting to and from work and picking up Alessia from my mom's. That's if there isn't ridiculous traffic on the highway (it once took me 3 hours to get home with a screaming infant. Had to stop on the side of the highway 3 times. It was horrible!) I can't take it anymore. On top of that consuming a ridiculous amount of time, since I'm still breastfeeding, I have to pump in the morning before going to work, then again during my prep at work (the only time I have to get things done, or rather don't have), and then take the time after she goes to sleep to wash all the freakin parts. I can't express to you how much I despise my pump. I would love to smash it to pieces when I'm done with it - just like the guys in Office Space and the copy machine.
For anyone that knows anything about breastfeeding and pumping, you know that you should ideally pump every 3 hours: typically 3 times during a work day. My schedule only allows for one time. So what has that done for me? After 6 months of not pumping enough (and not drinking enough and probably losing too much weight), I can barely get enough milk for Alessia's two bottles while she's at my mom's. That brings us to today. Flipped out this morning when I was barely getting anything after 15 min. Alessia doesn't drink formula and we haven't started cow's milk yet (she just turned 10 months a week ago), so I have no backup. I couldn't send her to my mom's with no milk, so I took a family sick day to stay home and be able to feed her. Is that ridiculous or what? I have some cooworkers that poke fun at the fact that I'm still pumping, and it pisses me off. They have no idea how hard it is. I can't do this with the next baby. I have to stay home at least a year so I don't have to pump. But that's a whole other long post. Ugh. I hate living in a country that makes it so difficult to be a SAHM (at least living in this area). or even give us a long enough maternity leave. *sigh* How do other moms do it?


Danielle said...

I hate reading this! I think you are amazing!I don't think I am half as strong as you. I should be feeding you dinner and not the other way around. BTW that chili sure was yummy. Hang in there-summer is here soon. You need to create a countdown ticker for your blog!! I'm here if you need me-only a text away.

Christy said...

Honestly, I don't know how you do it. It sounds really tough. I am sorry friend. We live in Jersey too, and it is really hard to stay afloat on one income. My husband works lots of overtime. I feel bad that he has to work so hard for me to stay home with the kids. It sucks.

Dana said...

working moms def have it rough!! you do both - you're a mom and aworking girl....i think you're doing a great job!!