Thursday, August 20, 2009

Big news

So I haven't been really blogging this summer (not like that's much different than all year long), but one of the reasons is that the only thing that has really been on my mind is that I'm pregnant again (baby #2) and I wasn't quite ready to tell people or really talk/write about it. We've actually known for a little over a month - we found out right smack bewteen the two funerals, so it was actually some much needed good news for both sides of the family. For me, I wasn't so sure at first. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about having another baby. I always wanted at least 2 kids, but, as everyone has heard me say numerous times, I didn't want two kids in diapers at the same time. I know it sounds ridiculous, and that's not really true...I just wanted Alessia to have enough time with us on her own before another one came along. We were planning on having them about 4 years apart, just about when Alessia was ready to start some sort of school and I could hopefully stay home the first year with the baby. But SURPRISE! it happened a lot sooner than expected.
As excited as I am, I have a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy and about our family growing. First of all, when I was pregnant with Alessia I didn't know half the things I know now about the food we eat, the products we use, etc. It was a pretty stress-free pregnancy. I just followed the short list of eat/don't eat the doctor gave me and enjoyed my weekly greasy cheeseburgers and fries. I didn't think twice about the bellly butter I rubbed on my belly religiously or the makeup I was using daily. Now I almost feel like the knowledge I have is paralyzing.
I'm also anxious about how the dynamic of our little family will change. My husband is really excited about the new baby, but he's the baby in the family and doesn't know what it's like when mom and dad bring home another one. I look at Alessia and I worry about how she'll feel about being a big sister. I know it'll be different than I felt when my sister (and later, brother) was born. I was 6. I remember being so excited and proud at first, "This is my little sister, isn't she cute?" And she was the most beautiful baby, which everyone always made a point of saying. My excitement and proudness soon turned to intense jealousy. I remember asking if we could send her back and making nasty comments when people said things like "she's so beautiful, she doesn't even look like a real baby. She looks like a doll!" I always had to point out how she pooped or smelled :o) I know it's natural for siblings to be jealous when a new one comes along, but knowing how it felt when all the attention shifted away from me and to the new baby, I just don't want to see that happen to my little girl. I'm assuming it'll be better since she'll only be about 2, but then I remember my cousin Olivia when her little sister came home from the hospital (same age difference as mine will have). She wouldn't even look at you if you were holding the baby. She soon got better, but it would just break my heart if Alessia did that.
I know there are things I can't control, Alessia's feelings being one of them, and that I shouldn't spend this whole pregnancy worrying. But I can't help it!
I hope I don't come off sounding like I don't want this baby, because of course I do. The emotions of a surprise pregnancy are just very different than a planned one.


Christy said...

Izzy was a surprise baby too. My kids are only 17 month apart. Although it was really tough at first, things are great now. I am glad we had them so close together, because they are best buddies. And Porgie was never really jealous of Izzy (but then again, she was only 17 months old when he was born).


Anonymous said...

Now, after reading this I know that are you are a nutjob. Get over it - enjoy life and stop worrying so much. All this anxiety is going to cause your children to grow up like nutjobs too!

Future Mom (Heather) said...

Congrats! Just saw Danielle yesterday & she told me you were expecting baby #2. How exciting :)